Resilience: How to Increase Connection in a Socially-Distant World
Part three in a series about the Phases of Disaster and Resilience
“We need each other. In therapy they say that the opposite of addiction is connection. We were not meant to do this on our own. We need to heal in community, to be mirrors of truth and love to each other when the crazy person in our head is telling us so many limiting, effed-up stories.”
Ruthie Lindsey, “There I Am”
I finished Ruthie Lindsey’s book, “There I Am,” yesterday morning and this quote was on one of the last few pages. I’ve had this post about connection swimming around in my head for a week now, and I’ve been trying to connect the pieces I want to share - the pieces that I hope will help you. The quote above seemed like a good fit in this puzzle I’m trying to put together. We need each other.
Meaning many things to various people, connection is anything that prevents us from being isolated, said Kira Mauseth of the Washington State Department of Health. In this radio interview about resilience, she suggested turning to family members and friends, pets, a higher power, or supporting a social justice cause as a few ways people can limit seclusion.
Connection can be intentionally grown, Mauseth said, which is encouraging so long as we understand how. We know that studies show depression and anxiety have risen over the last year in this socially-distanced world. That means we probably don’t all know how to increase connection in this foreign experience even though we seem to have all advantages at our fingertips. Our family and friends are just a text, email, video chat, Instagram post, or Facebook private message away.
Connection isn’t a one-size-fits all experience though, and we all know digital connection obviously doesn’t replace certain experiences that can’t happen as we sit behind opposite screens. It also doesn’t replace the big and small random, serendipitous moments we have with strangers and other people who aren’t that close to us.
Those who continue working from home are going without water cooler chats - the seemingly unimportant conversations that give us a glimpse into our colleagues’ lives outside of meetings and assignments. That type of communication can seem important once it’s gone.
Many of us aren’t hearing new songs written in our communities that are typically performed on local stages in dive bars; we don’t have the privilege of erupting with a crowd in a hot stadium when our favorite baseball player hits a home run; and we don’t get to laugh with strangers who smooth their wind-blown hair and sigh with relief after we collectively survive the craziest roller coaster at the fair. Some of those moments seem so long ago now, and foreign in their own ways.
I think we’re collectively looking at the horizon anticipating life after COVID-19 in the same way the country waited and watched to see the total solar eclipse in 2017. We like knowing we’re seeing the same miraculous things and, in some cases, we will travel great lengths to get there so we can experience them with everyone else. The entry into normal life after a long year will be pretty miraculous.
However, while that total solar eclipse could be predicted down to the second, we are unable to know how much longer we’ll be living with COVID-19, though current trends of the virus slowing and the vaccine deployment increasing are very encouraging.
In the meantime, if we are lonely, we could try leaning on some of Mauseth’s suggestions and increase connection while we wait. I’ll share a few moments and ideas I’ve had that helped me realize connection is closer than I think if I remember where to look.
Giving Christmas Cards a Longer Life
I love Christmas cards and hang them with putty in our kitchen as they arrive. After the holiday, the photos and sparkly pictures stay up for months because I like seeing our friends’ faces and view their cards as gifts I can’t throw away too quickly. As I start taking them down this month, I’ll do it one at a time each day, hold the individual card in my hands, complete a short meditation, and send love their way. This idea came from a friend who told me a few years ago that she, her husband, and kids, did something similar. They would gather together and pray for the families on each card, one at a time over several weeks.
That idea stuck with me and it’s time for me to try it while I wait to spend time with so many people I love. If you’ve already thrown Christmas cards away, you can do something similar and write names of people you know on post-it notes and go through the exercise one day at a time.
Connecting with Community
I helped at a local food bank a couple of times last spring when I heard they were low on volunteers and the need for food in our state increased due to the pandemic. This year, I decided to make it more of a regular thing because it helps me feel like I’m part of the community, and reminds me that I can help by doing simple tasks like sorting bread and scooping pasta out of large boxes to put in bags that will be delivered to food pantries. If you’re looking for ways to meet strangers who have common goals, search for ways to volunteer, then simply show up. Leaders there will show you what to do.
Creative Alarm Clocks
Our dog Neville often decides when it’s time for us to get out of bed. It always seems a bit sudden. He stands up, walks off his pillow, comes to one side of the bed and starts whining. There’s no ignoring him because he gets more intense and needy within minutes. After playing “nose goes” with Travis, one of us must get up, let him out, and feed all of our pets.
Today I realized it’s a gift that our dogs and cat made me get out of bed every day during this pandemic - even on days I didn’t want to. If you live alone right now and don’t have something as annoyingly (kidding) persistent (not kidding) as a pet, perhaps you and a friend or family member could start early-morning check-ins through texts. They could include anything from encouragement to funny memes to remind you to move to the next step in your day.
Sidelining Screens
It can feel like the right thing to escape life for a while and binge-watch the latest Netflix show in our queues, and while sometimes that’s exactly what we need, it’s nice if someone can remind us there is still real life outside your current screen.
I was watching a show in bed this morning when our dog Katniss entered and asked for attention with a soft whimper and her chocolate pudding eyes. I set my laptop to the side and she stood up to rest her front two legs over mine. She licked every inch and line on the palm of one of my hands while the other ran fingers through her cinnamon roll-colored hair. Then she laid her head down and reminded me for the millionth time how much I love her and how the pandemic brought us together.
We know screens can make isolation worse. They are addictions and traps. The more we can place our hands and minds on other things, the more we’ll connect with other parts of our worlds. We can place our hands on a loved one, use them to create art, let them dig through dirt to plant flowers, place them on the ground to do a downward dog or pushup, or leave them empty as we go for a walk or hike.
Looking After Neighbors
Soon after shutdown began, one of our neighbors set a cardboard box with books outside her home with a bowl of sidewalk chalk nearby. Kids and adults alike have been exchanging books using the cardboard box for nearly a year. It’s never empty. Sometimes people take the chalk and write messages - most commonly “Thank you!” It’s been lovely, and it’s a good feeling when something you left in the box gets taken.
I like imagining the books in other hands, in other homes until the person decides to put them back in the box and choose something new. Being connected to neighbors through worn pages, chapters, and children’s book illustrations is something magical.
You could create a little library as simple as the cardboard box. Or, if that’s not your thing, simply checking in with those who live near you could create a stronger community. You could do this by email, phone, or stop to chat for a few minutes the next time you’re on a walk. Getting to know our neighbors better over the last year has been one silver lining of this crazy year.
Remember the Pandemic isn’t Permanent
Maybe this is the time you find a church or meditation center, even if you don’t intend to go forever. Maybe this is the time you seek out businesses or organizations that need monetary support and schedule regular donations for a few months. Maybe you’ll decide to foster dogs and cats because so many animals need safe, temporary homes. Maybe you start a social media account to connect with specific communities until you can meet with them in person.
I think part of resilience is knowing and continuously trying to remember that hard times are temporary. A friend sent me a text to remind me of that this week. If we’ve resigned to feeling like our lack of connection will last forever, that’s probably one of the “limiting, effed-up stories,” the crazy person in our head is telling us, like Ruthie Lindsey wrote.
Our struggles change as we do, and our collective problems evolve as our world does. In order to intentionally grow connection through pain, we have to make choices, and the actions we take don’t have to be permanent either. They can simply help us get to the next phase of life.
It’s normal if you’re having a hard time. Read More on Connection (and lack thereof) During the Pandemic: