As I neared the 40 milestone, I only wanted to be excited for it. I wanted to rebel against a former version of myself that never wanted to be 40 because I thought it meant something different than it does.

My thumb stopped scrolling on Instagram this morning when a photo appeared of a friend with her dad, the two of them smiling for a sitting-on-the-couch selfie and words about how she will miss him, his French toast, and other wonderful qualities he possessed. She said he passed away yesterday. I don’t know exactly what she is feeling and experiencing right now, and yet, I do know some things. Here are my thoughts on grief and finding hearts after sharing my 1,900th post on Hunting for Hearts.

This heart hunting journey began because my living, beating heart had broken into 1,000 pieces. To put it back together in a new shape 2,000 times over is something I couldn’t have imagined back then. Thank you to everyone who has been part of this journey.

Instead of running a half marathon yesterday, I got to cheer for Travis and other runners. I learned a lot this month, kept walking, and captured beauty.

This week my mind circles around the thoughts of why I’m here - in the graduate program and everywhere else. The point isn’t just to gain knowledge, and I’m starting to think the point isn’t to believe an illusion that I can change many things outside myself. Perhaps the point is to change my thoughts and actions - based on knowledge - so that if there is any external difference to be made, it comes first from inside me.